The Apology

Feb 19, 2019


The following is an excerpt from my new book, Project Body Love: my quest to love my body and the surprising truth I found instead.


I am sorry.


I am sorry for all the carrot sticks.

I know you don’t like them.

Even when they’re dipped in hummus.


I am sorry.


I am sorry for the time I drew, in permanent marker, lines around your middle, around the places I wanted to excise, if only I had a knife.

And for the times I squeezed that flesh so hard my hands hurt and left bruises, wanting some way to release my hatred.

I am sorry for the hatred.


I am sorry for not listening when you were hungry


for food, for touch, for water, for stillness, for movement, for acceptance, for chocolate

I am sorry for not listening when you were full

of tension, of food, of hatred, of longing, of potential

I am sorry for not meeting your needs

or even knowing what they were

or, in fact, acknowledging that you might have them.


You must have felt

like an unmothered child

alone, unloved, trying to survive.


I am sorry for the miles I ran

when you were hurting

I am sorry for running those miles

to punish you 

for being the way you were.

I’m sorry for believing someone or something else had the answers

(for believing we needed answers)

for assuming you were broken 

and for everything that happened when I consulted 

everyone but you.

I am sorry for hiding


as though you were the representation of everything that was wrong with me

I am sorry for all the times I tried to transform you into something different 

I am sorry for the shame

that I cloaked you in

downcast eyes

tugged clothing

crossed arms

and all.

I am sorry for all those fashion magazines

for cutting out pictures of other women’s bodies 

and pasting them to my vision boards

I don’t buy them anymore.

I am sorry for believing him

when he said you would be perfect if only it weren’t for this part right there

I’m sorry that I didn’t know I should be defending you

rather than being complicit in your degradation.


I am sorry for all the times I tried to squeeze you into jeans that didn’t really fit

and for not listening, even when you ached to be released.

And I’m sorry for how I hated you even more

when you didn’t fit in

to jeans

or to any of mine or others’ expectations about how you should look or how you should be.

(I am sorry for all those shoulds, really)

I am sorry about all the hours I wasted 

hating you,

trying to change you,

when I could have been

…I don’t know…

changing the world.


I am sorry for trying to keep both of us small.



My new book, Project Body Love, is available online and in fine bookstores everywhere, or you can click on the image below to purchase.



The Becoming Podcast has been on a short hiatus while I focus on writing my book, but oh what a comeback episode I have for you!

This month, I spoke to Toko-pa Turner, who many of you may know as the unofficial patron saint of many of my circles and gatherings because of the sheer number of times I’ve quoted from the wisdom of her book, Belonging.

Toko-pa is a Canadian author, teacher, and dreamworker. Blending the mystical teachings of Sufism in which she was raised with a Jungian approach to dreams, she founded The Dream School in 2001, from which thousands of students have graduated. She is the author of the award-winning book, Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home, which explores the themes of exile and belonging through the lens of dreams, mythology, and nature. This book has resonated for readers worldwide, and has been translated into 10 different languages so far. Her work focuses on the relationship between psyche and nature, and how to follow our inner wisdom to meet with the social, psychological, and ecological challenges of our time.

Here’s some of what Toko-pa and I talk about in this episode:

> The dream that changed Toko-pa’s life, causing her to question her career and, ultimately, her identity

> How we can court our dreams to support us during times of radical transformation – and the reasons so many of us have a hard time remembering and working with what shows up in our dreamscape

> Toko-pa’s perspective on the message of Belonging after the divisiveness our society has experienced in the years since it was published

> What happened for both Toko-pa and I when we fell out of belonging from the ideologies of the “wellness world”

> How to build community when you’re under-resourced

> “The Big Lie” when it comes to belonging, and how we can reclaim a sense of belonging to the greater family of things, as Mary Oliver so famously wrote

Listen to the episode on iTunes


Show Notes

Toko-pa’s Website

Belonging:  Remembering Ourselves Home, Toko-pa’s book

The David Abram video about animism mentioned in the interview

Toko-pa’s self-guided program, Dream Drops

Companion, the program that accompanies Belonging


Also, while you’re at it, if you enjoy The Becoming Podcast, I would be so grateful if you would rate and review, and even subscribe to it on iTunes.  That goes a long way to helping more and more people find and benefit from hearing these interviews!  Thank you so much!