How to make a home

Feb 20, 2018


I think that authenticity





feels like home.


My sense, from coaching and holding circles with women who are unearthing their authenticity, is that it’s a feeling, a home base, that, as the Good Witch reminds us, we’ve actually had all along.

(it’s just been conditioned out of us by externally-held notions of what success looks like, of What Women Do, and our own expectations and stories, deeply entrenched in the patriarchy)

Home – a home within yourself – feels like a place you know.  It feels steady and unwavering.  It feels like the roots that ground you in a storm.

It’s a centre that runs through you, that runs deep and stretches up.  A north star, a plumbline, a compass.


I’ve been spending the last couple of months creating a home in my new house, and I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is to feel at home.  Here’s what I’m learning about making a house feel like home, and about finding a home within myself.


–>  Clear out your shit.


Moving has been the perfect time to get rid of all the things that are no longer necessary in my life – the things that are adding more clutter than utility.  I think this is one of the first steps in finding a home within, too.  The deeply engrained stories we tell ourselves about success, worthiness, ability, beauty and more need to be brought into the light and questioned for their relevance and utility.  Exploring and releasing the doubts and judgements those stories often bring with them can help you to feel a sense of safety and acceptance within yourself.  If you think of your authenticity like a child, wanting to come out and reveal herself, then you can see how important it is to show her you can treat her with kindness and compassion before she’ll feel safe enough to be known.


–>  Bake bread.


One of my unwritten rules is that a house can’t feel like home until the first loaf of bread comes out of the oven.  So too, I think, self-nourishment – the meeting of our own needs and the offering of small comforts to ourselves, is one of the first steps in finding a home within.  I offered up a simple heart meditation in Nalu Cafe a few weeks ago to help you hear the whispers of your deepest needs (and not allow them to be drowned out by all the *shoulds*).


–>  Meet the neighbours.


When we first moved into our new neighbourhood, the kids and I made a huge batch of homemade granola, poured it into mason jars with cute baking twine bows, and brought them to our neighbours.  Having grown up in a small town, I have a deep-set need to know that I can run down the road for a teaspoon of baking powder or, somewhat more likely, someone to play with my kids while I run off to a birth.  I think the same principle applies when women are exploring their own sense of authenticity and alignment:  it’s important to share in the journey, not just with others who are walking alongside us, but with a trusted mentor or guide to help light the way.  Building community is one of the most important steps along this path home to ourselves.


–>  Experiment.


We’ve been living in our new place for a little over two months and still, every day, I move furniture and plants and art around until I get the intuitive sense that they’re where they belong.  Some days it feels like I have an internalized and innate sense of feng shui – and maybe I do.  I feel as though I’m continually experimenting with what feels right in this space.  The same goes for our exploration of home-within and authenticity.  I’m a huge advocate of what I call Tiny Experiments, of trying on practices, ways of being, and actions to see what feels most aligned.  It’s like researching yourself, gathering data to inform your own self-concept in a world that’s hell-bent on telling you how you should be.


I think this is where we start.  With a foundation of self-acceptance, self-care, sisterhood and curiosity upon which to build our rising – both individually and as a feminine collective.


Your turn:  What feels like home to you right now?

The Becoming Podcast has been on a short hiatus while I focus on writing my book, but oh what a comeback episode I have for you!

This month, I spoke to Toko-pa Turner, who many of you may know as the unofficial patron saint of many of my circles and gatherings because of the sheer number of times I’ve quoted from the wisdom of her book, Belonging.

Toko-pa is a Canadian author, teacher, and dreamworker. Blending the mystical teachings of Sufism in which she was raised with a Jungian approach to dreams, she founded The Dream School in 2001, from which thousands of students have graduated. She is the author of the award-winning book, Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home, which explores the themes of exile and belonging through the lens of dreams, mythology, and nature. This book has resonated for readers worldwide, and has been translated into 10 different languages so far. Her work focuses on the relationship between psyche and nature, and how to follow our inner wisdom to meet with the social, psychological, and ecological challenges of our time.

Here’s some of what Toko-pa and I talk about in this episode:

> The dream that changed Toko-pa’s life, causing her to question her career and, ultimately, her identity

> How we can court our dreams to support us during times of radical transformation – and the reasons so many of us have a hard time remembering and working with what shows up in our dreamscape

> Toko-pa’s perspective on the message of Belonging after the divisiveness our society has experienced in the years since it was published

> What happened for both Toko-pa and I when we fell out of belonging from the ideologies of the “wellness world”

> How to build community when you’re under-resourced

> “The Big Lie” when it comes to belonging, and how we can reclaim a sense of belonging to the greater family of things, as Mary Oliver so famously wrote

Listen to the episode on iTunes


Show Notes

Toko-pa’s Website

Belonging:  Remembering Ourselves Home, Toko-pa’s book

The David Abram video about animism mentioned in the interview

Toko-pa’s self-guided program, Dream Drops

Companion, the program that accompanies Belonging


Also, while you’re at it, if you enjoy The Becoming Podcast, I would be so grateful if you would rate and review, and even subscribe to it on iTunes.  That goes a long way to helping more and more people find and benefit from hearing these interviews!  Thank you so much!